


What Is Fair in Love and War?

by sweetbutimsalty



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Second War with Voldemort, Single Parents, Teenage Pregnancy, jily
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 06:26:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15551655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetbutimsalty/pseuds/sweetbutimsalty
Summary: Lily had Harry when she was just seventeen, and since then, James has been popping into and out of her life. But with Voldemort gaining power and Harry wanting to get involved, Lily and James enlist each other's help to protect Harry.





	What Is Fair in Love and War?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, so I'm always happy for constructive criticism! I hope you enjoy the first chapter!

Lily was so tired that she could barely count how many hours she had to sleep before she had to get back up for her second job. It was two in the morning and dark as pitch, so when she arrived at her door, she shrieked and whipped out her wand when she saw a figure standing there. 

“Merlin, Lily, it’s just me!” a familiar voice exclaimed.

Lily lowered her wand and rubbed her temple. 

“What in the name of Merlin’s saggy left testicle are you doing here at this hour?”

“Colorful phrase,” James snorted. 

“I have a lot of time here on my own to come up with them,” she quipped. “Why are you here?”

“I needed to talk to you about a few things.”

“Now?”

She just barely made out James nodding in the dark. 

“Alright, come inside,” she sighed. “I’ll make us some tea.”

When she flipped the lights on, James looked around in awe as he always did when he came into her parent’s old home. He was fascinated about how she had managed to integrate herself back into the muggle world so seamlessly. She lived in a muggle home with her muggle jobs, and she hardly ever used her wand to do anything outside of her kitchen. 

James didn’t understand how she could have given it all up, but then again, he didn’t know anything about what it was like to be Lily. 

“I’m sorry about your parents.” 

Lily looked up sharply at him, just wishing to snip, "well you’re a few months too late on that lovely sentiment."

“How’s Harry holding up?” James then asked. 

Lily visibly softened when he mentioned their son. James had seen her shoulders tense when he mentioned her parents, and he had thought she was upset, but then the glare she gave him indicated she was angry, most likely because it had been months since they passed away in that accident and he hadn’t as much as shown up to their funeral. But he mentioned Harry, and even her eyes lost the harshness that she sometimes used with him. 

“He’s doing as well as I could expect from him. He writes me to tell me he misses hearing from them, but when he’s at school, it’s easier to pretend that they aren’t gone and nothing has changed.”

James nodded sadly.

“Well, if you need to talk to somebody, I’m always here. I know I was just stupid kid when my parents passed, but still… I’m here,” he told her. 

Lily nodded and handed him his cup of tea. Milk, no sugar. He always accepted like he was surprised she remembered how he took his tea, but even he kept Earl Grey in his apartment, despite the fact that he and Sirius hated it, just because Lily loved it. 

James watched Lily as she took her tea to the sitting room. She looked as exhausted as she had when Harry was first born. 

“Are you sure you’re all right Lily?” he asked, looking at the bags under her eyes that she had unsuccessfully tried to cover with makeup. 

“Fine. Now get on with it. I know for a fact that you aren’t here for a late sympathy message for me.”

James nodded uncomfortably. He loved that Lily was so direct; it was one of the reasons he had been so taken with her at school. But it also made him nervous sometimes, because he knew he could compete with her wit, but not her frankness. 

“I wanted to talk to you about Harry.”

Lily raised her eyebrow in a way that James read as "obviously." 

“Dumbledore wants to reinstate the Order.”

“And this has to do with Harry how?” James could hear the fear in her voice that she tried to hide with hardness. 

“In case he gets wind of it…”

“He will not,” she said firmly. 

“Right.”

“Promise me that neither you nor your halfwit friends will tell him about it.”

“Promise,” he said, holding his hand up in honor. 

Lily nodded and sipped her tea.

“Regardless, I think we should talk about the impending war.”

Lily nodded solemnly. 

“Unlike last time…” he began. 

“I don’t know anything about ‘last time’ unless I read it in the papers. I was pregnant or had a newborn, if you don’t remember.”

“Right,” James said stupidly. Again. 

If Lily hadn’t been so exhausted, she would have been able to silently congratulate herself on her ability to shut James Potter up so fast he didn’t know what to do. He sat there in her sitting room, looking into his teacup.

Lily closed her eyes and drank in the silence for a minute before James finally spoke. 

“I’m worried about you.” 

“Why?”

“Voldemort’s followers have been targeting muggles for fun.”

“I’m not a muggle.”

“But nobody really knows that at this point.”

James had a point. For all intents and purposes, she was a muggle. Only James knew  
where she lived. And besides both of their small circles of friends, most everybody had thought Lily had dropped off the face of the earth when she got pregnant at school. 

“Why don’t you and Harry come live with me in London for a while?” James asked. 

“I think Cokeworth is a little safer than London right now. Besides, if you think I would ever live in the same flat as Sirius Black, you might need to get your head checked,” Lily said, crossing her arms. 

James had known she wouldn’t agree to that offer, but he wanted to ask anyway.  
“I can’t blame you. Sirius is absolutely barking,” he joked. 

Lily gave him a small smile for his joke.

“How is Remus?” Lily asked, thoughts of animagi reminding her of his condition. 

“The same. Although he was recently sacked for calling out sick too many times.”

Lily frowned. “He can always come work at the pub with me, or the shop. I can cover for him on days that he can’t work. They don’t care who it is as long as somebody is working each shift.”

“I’ll mention it to him.”

Lily nodded. 

“It might be coming at a good time, though. Dumbledore was thinking he might be able to convince the werewolves to join our side before the Death Eaters do.”

“That sounds dangerous,” Lily mentioned. 

James shrugged. 

“What does Dumbledore have you doing?” Lily asked. 

James registered curiosity thinly veiling genuine concern, and perhaps fear in her voice. He never understood just how Lily felt about him. When he was there, Lily seemed like she wanted to rip his throat out half the time, but when he was gone, Harry told him that she worried about him (probably only on days on the full moon, but neither of them had told Harry about that little detail of his father’s involvement in full moon activities). 

“Right now? Convincing you to join us.”

“Me?”

“Yes. Everyone’s favorite potions prodigy.”

“I’m not…”

“You’re good. And charms, too, don’t forget.”

“James, I didn’t even get a NEWT. I’m not a prodigy.”

“Only because you didn’t sit the exam,” he muttered. 

“And I haven’t made anything besides your basic household potions since before Harry was born.”

“Doesn’t mean you couldn’t get back into practice.”

Lily sighed. 

“Look, we need you, Lily. Bertie almost killed a few of us with a botched Polyjuice just  
last week. You’re the only one I trust to do it right, really,” he told her. 

The look her gave her almost melted her resolve. 

“I can try to help,” Lily relented, “but I don’t know when I have the time. I’m working two jobs right now, and if I could get away without sleeping, I’d be taking a third. My parent’s money barely covered settling their affairs, and now I have to deal with the courts over the mortgage that they paid off years ago. And when Harry comes back for the summer, I don’t know how I’ll be able to do anything without him noticing. And we need to keep it a secret from him, obviously,” she rattled on and on. 

“Let me help with the bills,” James pleaded.

Lily shook her head. 

“Please, Lily. It’s the least I can do. Merlin knows you’ve proven that you are independent and can do everything on your own. And I know I haven’t been helpful at all, so please. Let me help now.”

“Your daddy’s money wasn’t the help I needed.”

Her tone was so sharp it stung, but James tried to ignore the pain it caused. He closed his eyes and sighed. 

“Lily. If working so many jobs is going to prevent you from joining the Order, I have to insist. This cause is more important than your pride.”

James had finally shut her up. She didn’t agree to accept his assistance, but she stopped arguing, which at least saved him the headache. 

 

 

A few weeks later, Lily waited in the parking lot of King’s Cross Station in her beat-up car. Finally, she saw her son lumbering across the lot with his trunk, and she jumped out of the car and ran to him. She hugged him tightly while he laughed and hugged her back. She pulled away from him and held him in place when she looked him up and down. 

Merlin he looked like James.

“You got taller,” she commented. 

“I think Ron shortened my trousers as a prank. I haven’t actually grown.” 

Lily laughed and looped her arm through his as the walked back to the car. 

“I want to know about your year.” 

“I have a girlfriend?” Harry offered.

Lily squealed. “Tell me all about her!” she said as she climbed into the car.

Harry laughed nervously as he put his trunk in the boot. 

“Name?”

“Ginny.”

“Your year?”

He shook his head. “Year below me.”

“Gryffindor?” 

“Of course.” 

“Hair Color?”

“Red.”

Lily had to fight back her smile. Potter men had married (or just had children with, in her case) red heads for the past four generations. 

“Other noteworthy physical traits?”

“Umm… she is pale with a lot of freckles.” 

“Sounds like you might be just dating Ron.” 

Harry rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “She’s his sister.”

Lily laughed loudly. 

“It’s not funny!”

“Oh so he didn’t take it well?”

 

“Not at first…”

“I bet not. Merlin, I forgot Molly’s daughter was named Ginny.”

Harry groaned and leaned his head back into the headrest of his seat. 

“All right, all right. I’ll stop teasing. I’m sure you get enough of that from Ron and his brothers.”

“Muuummmm!”

“Don’t whinge. Tell me more about her. I don’t think I’ve ever met her before.”

“I don’t think you deserve to get any more details.”

“Oh come off it. Tell me something else.”

“She’s a Chaser on the Quidditch team, but she played Seeker in the House Cup game and won. She’s good at every position, really.”

“Why weren’t you in the House Cup game?”

“Detention,” Harry shrugged. 

Lily cringed…small reminders that he was James’ child too. 

“She’s got a Pygmy Puff as a pet, and his name is Arnold,” Harry said as a quick subject change. 

“What’s she like, personality wise?”

“She’s cool.”

“Very descriptive. I’ve got a great idea of what she’s like now, thank you,” Lily said sarcastically. 

“Uh I don’t know.”

“I’m not asking you to get mushy here. I just want some adjectives that aren’t ‘cool’ or ‘nice.’”

“She’s umm… funny and clever and pretty relaxed, but also stubborn.”

Lily smiled. 

“I’m assuming that you snog, but anything else?”

“Not talking about this. Absolutely not.”

“I just need to make sure you aren’t going to repeat the mistakes your father and I made.”

“Mum, this is unbearably uncomfortable. I’m contemplating opening the door and rolling out onto the motorway.”

“Shush.”

“I’m serious.”

“Well I just have to check. Your father said he was going to give you ‘the talk’ over your summer break after fourth year, and I’m not sure if I should have trusted him to do that. He clearly didn’t know what he was doing when he was your age.”

“Gross.”

 

After about two hours of Lily grilling him about his new girlfriend and his studies, they arrived home. Lily watched as Harry’s demeanor changed. It was as if pulling into the drive, he remembered that his grandparents wouldn’t be inside to hug him and make him supper. 

Lily reached over and kissed the top of his head after she put the car in park. He got out of his side and collected his trunk. He smiled when he got inside and noticed the balloons and cake that Lily had set up before she left. 

“Ta,” he said, giving her a side hug. 

“Go upstairs and put your things away while I fix dinner.”

“I’m going to take a shower too,” he mentioned. 

“Good. You smell.”

Harry laughed half-heartedly and took the stairs two at a time. 

Lily put her roast in the oven when she heard a knock at the door. Opening the door, she saw James standing there. She rolled her eyes at him when he smirked, but still let him in. 

She stood at the foot of the stairs to check that she heard the shower still running. It was, so she walked over to James and whispered. 

“Harry is back from Hogwarts, so I would appreciate it if you didn’t speak about you know what here.”

“Right. Just checking to see if the answer was yes or no.”

Lily sighed. “It’s a yes.”

 

James nodded, looking neither happy nor disappointed.  
“And don’t think I didn’t notice the money you tried to sneak into my bank account. You must have had to confund the teller at the bank, I’m guessing, which is just many forms of illegal. And I have no idea where you got that muggle money. But I suppose I should say thanks,” she finished in a mutter.

James laughed roughly and patted her shoulder. 

“Anytime, Lil.”

Lily was not as tired as the last time she laid eyes on James. In the daylight, she could properly identify how attractive he still was. But of course he was at only 35. Lily knew her prime was dwindling, but she had a feeling James would be handsome for the rest of his life. 

“How have you been, James?” she asked. 

James shrugged. Lily didn’t really know what it meant, so she let it be. The two stood in the living room in comfortable silence. Lily noticed the shower had turned off. 

“Should I get Harry down here?” 

James smiled at her. Merlin that smile could melt ice. 

Lily climbed the stairs, but she could feel James’ eyes on her arse. She thought about sending a glare in his direction, but hell, it felt nice to be appreciated, even if it was by the man who got her pregnant at seventeen. 

She knocked and spoke through Harry’s door. “You have another surprise downstairs. Come as quickly as you possibly can.”

“Give me one second to get dressed,” he called back. 

“Roger,” Lily said as she sauntered back down the stairs. 

Now James’ eyes were on her tits as they bounced with each step down. She fought the urge to roll her eyes again at him. Instead, she pressed a finger to her lips to signal quiet. 

“What’s this big surprise?” Harry called as he walked down the stairs. “Did you get me a cat?”

Then, James walked around the corner. 

“Dad!”

Lily tried not to feel jealous at the look of excitement that Harry had on his face, or on the running leap he took to give his dad a hug. Never mind that he was the parent who all but abandoned him. Lily knew that wasn’t true, but sometimes it felt easier to pretend so she could justify how mad he drove her. 

“Are you excited for your final year?” James asked Harry after they had tucked in to dinner. 

“He just got home from school! He’s not supposed to be excited for another year of school! He’s supposed to be excited to be home with me!”

Harry smiled at his mother, but turned back to James and answered his question. 

“Yeah. Crazy it’s almost all over. But I’m ready.”

“Are you now?” Lily asked, a little miffed. 

Harry nodded and took a bite of his chicken roast. 

“What grand plans are you so ready to conquer?” Lily asked, almost teasing. 

“I’m going to fight Voldemort, obviously. There’s been talk at school that he’s back. So maybe I’ll be an Auror or something.”

Lily glared at James, whose eyes were wide in surprise. Obviously it wasn’t him who told Harry. She had been foolish to think gossip wouldn’t spread at Hogwarts. 

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t do that,” Lily said carefully. 

“I don’t think I’ve got much of a choice. I either stand for what I believe in, or be complicit.”

Lily stared at him in shock. 

“No offense,” he added as an afterthought, and continued to shovel food into his mouth. 

 

After cake, Harry had begun to yawn, so Lily sent him off to bed. 

“You’ve had a long day of traveling. Get some rest so we can have a fun day tomorrow. I took it off from work, so we can do whatever you want.”

Harry smiled and kissed his mother goodnight. Then went over and gave his dad a hug. 

“’Night, Harry. See you soon.”

Harry nodded although he knew it wasn’t likely to be true. 

 

Once he was safely in bed and a silencing spell cast on his door, Lily turned to James with a panicked look in her eyes. 

“It will all work out,” he told her. 

“Will it?”

“I’ll make sure of it.”

“You can’t guarantee his safety.”

“Neither could you when you first had him, but look what an amazing job you did.”

“That was different. This is actual danger. War.”

“I’ll think of something.”

Lily bit her lip and looked into James’ eyes. He looked almost sad. And then she burst out crying. 

“Lily,” he said, reaching for her. 

She sobbed into his shirt. 

“He’s just so grown up. And to top a war on it all… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!”

“Muddle through, Lily. It’s all we can do for now.”

Lily leaned into James as he held her. She breathed him in and pretended that he would make everything okay like he was promising. He kissed the top of her head softly. It was intimate moments like this that Lily could let herself forget how angry she was with James all the time, and could just appreciate that he was holding her. When she let go, she looked into James’ face. He looked sad and almost lonely. She reached up and cupped his cheek with her hand. 

“Thank you for coming today. I think you really helped Harry.”

“Of course. I can come by more if you think it will help keep his mind off everything.”

Lily pressed her lips into a thin line.

“I really will show up if he needs me.”

“Don’t go making any promises you can’t keep. I’m used to it, but it will still break his heart.”

“Lily…”

“I know, I know.”

James pressed a kiss to Lily’s cheek before he went to the door and grabbed his cloak. 

“I’ll see you soon. I promise.”

As Lily said her goodbyes, Harry crept back into his room. He had seen the signs of a muffulato spell put on his door, a pulsing fog-colored bubble that extended under his door, and he grew curious about what his parents were talking about in secret. His mother was crying into his father’s chest. He watched as his father kissed her head, whispered in her ear, and kissed her cheek. But he also saw Lily put her hand on James’ cheek lovingly. 

He knew that his father was always staring at his mother whenever she wasn’t looking; he noticed that last Christmas when he came around to visit. His mum seemed perfectly unaware. He just assumed that she didn’t feel anything for him anymore, but now he wasn’t so sure that his dad was walking down a one-way path. 

Once Harry crawled back into bed, he fell asleep thinking about his parents getting married: his long-held pipe dream. 

 

 

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Harry asked in the morning. 

“If it’s about sex with your new girlfriend, my answer is don’t do it.”

“Seriously?” he groaned.

“All right, what is it?” she conceded. But boy was it fun to tease him. He got so riled up. 

“Why did you and Dad not stay together?”

“I think that’s more of a personal question for him.”

“I feel like he’s the kind of man that might not tell me the whole truth to protect my opinion of him.”

“He can be honest if you need him to be. Why do you want to know?”

“I’m just curious.”

Lily didn’t say anything, but occupied herself with making tea. 

“Can I get your perspective?”

“I suppose.”

Lily placed the teacups on the table and sat down. Harry joined her. 

“We were so young. Neither of us knew what we really wanted in life. But I didn’t have much of a choice. So I told him to stay at school, get a job, and then we would figure out what would happen later.  
“But then there was the war, and then I got busy with my life, and I was comfortable doing my thing on my own with you. At first, it felt good to have him popping around. It felt like he cared, which he does, of course, but I was just happy to have his support. But then he didn’t show up all the time, and his visits were irregular, and I just realized I couldn’t depend on him. And I was also a little angry with him for all of that so I shut him out.  
“Then you got old enough to decide you wanted him around, and what you want obviously trumped whatever dumb ideas about independence and pride that I had. So here he is, and neither of us have sorted out any of the things we thought we would sort out.”

“Do you love him?” Harry asked. 

Lily didn’t answer right away. 

“The way I feel about him isn’t love in the sense that you might understand. Not at your age.”

Harry tried to not look dejected. He didn’t want to admit to her that he wanted her to love James. It wasn’t fair to tell her that.

 

 

“Hey Lily,” James said as he walked in the door of her house. 

Honestly, he was a bit chuffed with himself for coming within the week that he promised. Lily looked startled to say the least. 

“Oh. James. I’m just about to head to work.”

“In that?” James asked. 

Lily looked down at her uniform. 

“Yes…”

“Merlin, that’s just not fair,” he told her. 

Lily blushed but gave him an annoyed scoff. 

“No sense pretending I don’t think you’re fit,” he said with a flirtatious smirk. 

Lily thought it was probably best to ignore his comments. 

“Harry’s out with his friends, but he said he would be back soon. You can just wait for him here if you want.” 

“Ta.”

James took a seat on the couch and watched as she walked into the hall to grab her purse. 

“I already told Harry that I put dinner in the icebox so just have him reheat it. There’s enough for you too if you wanted to stay. Harry knows how to use the oven. I won’t be back until past midnight, so I’ll see you some other time.”

James sent her off with a salute. He wasn’t sure when Harry would be back, so once he got bored staring at the wall, he decided to take a look around the house. He couldn’t remember if he had ever been upstairs in Lily’s parent’s house… or just her house now. 

He opened the first door to find Harry’s room. He had Quidditch posters and Football posters hanging up on his wall, which was an interesting mix. His bed was made, and the room was overall neat and tidy. He checked under the mattress to see what he was hiding, and found nothing. Deciding his son was one of the wonderful sorts; he decided to move on to Lily’s room. The next door was a bathroom, however. The one after that was Lily’s parent’s room. It was clearly covered in a layer of dust as if she had not touched the room since they passed. James closed the door before he would disturb anything in there. It made his stomach feel twisted up in knots. He loved Lily’s parents. They were always kind to him, even though he thought Lily’s father wanted to tear his head off when he first found out James had gotten Lily pregnant. James hadn’t spent a lot of time with them, but he still felt guilty that he hadn’t gone to their funeral because he was on a mission for Dumbledore. He was sure that Harry and Lily would have needed him there. Yet again, it was another disappointment from him. 

James opened a linen closet before he finally discovered Lily’s bedroom as the last on the hall. He smiled when he saw her clothes thrown haphazardly over the messily made bed. There were socks littering the floor. Lily had a writing desk, and he knew he was really invading her privacy when he flipped through her papers. She had a lot of bills to pay, so he figured he should just keep topping off her account. She was going to Avada him, but it felt nice to be finally doing something useful with his money. He and Sirius buying brooms and motorbikes was not how he imagined his parents would want their money to be spent. Surely their grandchild was a good cause. 

He found a stack of letters tucked away in a drawer of the writing desk. They looked old and creased. When he glanced through them, he recognized them as the letters he sent to Lily after she had left Hogwarts. He marveled at the fact that she had kept these ridiculous things. He was such a stupid kid, writing her letters about his Quiddich games and studying for exams while she struggled through teenage pregnancy and adjusting back into muggle life. He wished that he had written something more in those letters, perhaps tell her how much she meant to him, and he had berated himself for years on how he had bungled it all up. Yet she had kept them, maybe for Harry’s sake? 

The last letter was so crumpled it looked like it had been balled up and then unfolded and pressed down. It was addressed to him. 

 

Dear James, 

It’s not been easy here. My sister has been an awful snob about me being pregnant. She’s engaged, so she’s insistent about how she’s perfect and has done everything in the right order. Sometimes she makes me wish we were engaged. Not because I want to be engaged, but because it would have made things a whole lot simpler if we had fallen pregnant after an engagement, don’t you think? Anyway, my mum and dad have been pretty kind to me about the whole thing. They’re disappointed, but they never understood magic school anyway, so I suppose me dropping out isn’t as big of a deal if I were dropping out of a muggle school. 

Regardless, what have people been saying about me? Or us? Are they as awful as Petunia, or do they leave you alone? I’m not sure what kind of answer I want from that question. Just don’t answer it. Unless it’s something you want to talk about. 

I can’t seem to say anything that I want to say in this letter. I don’t even know what I want to say. 

 

The letter ended there. He could almost see Lily crumpling it up, throwing it in the trash, and then picking it back out and smoothing it out over the flat face of the writing desk. He could see her eyes, piercing green and frustrated, and he could see her running her hands through her hair, raking against her face. 

She was worried about what people at school were thinking about her. That was normal. James never told her about it, but one time, a Ravenclaw boy from their year had cornered James in a hallway, saying really disgusting things about Lily. So James has hexed him so badly he was in the hospital wing for almost a month. It had worked out pretty well, because nobody snitched on James, nor did anyone ever make any comments about Lily in front of James ever again. He planned to take that story to the grave as well. 

James heard the door open, so he crammed the letters back in their proper drawer and ran to the stairs. 

“Surprise!” he called. 

Harry was startled and almost reached for his wand before he noticed that it was his father. 

“Wotcher, Dad!” 

“Your mum said she put dinner in the kitchen. Let’s have that and we can catch up for a bit.”

“Sure.”

James pulled a flask out of his cloak and conjured two glasses. 

“You’re seventeen, right?” he asked with a wink. 

Harry accepted the drink and the two of them sat at the table together. James entertained Harry with wild stories about Sirius and Remus and Peter at school and all the trouble the four of them got in for drinking and pranks. 

“Did mum do any of the pranks?” Harry asked. 

“No way. Goody-two-shoes, that one. When we were younger, she even tried to catch us at it so she could report us.”

“No!” Harry exclaimed. 

“Oh yes. But eventually she grew to find it all extremely attractive, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

Harry took another sip before he asked the same question he asked his mother almost a week ago. 

“Why did you not stay with my mum after Hogwarts?”

“Because I was—I am an arse.”

Harry hadn’t expected that answer right out of the gate. 

“My father had been killed. He was an Auror, you know. And then my mother got sick. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. And then I never got a job because I was a prick and thought I would just live off my inheritance, so I spent my early days out of Hogwarts fooling around.  
“And then when I went to see you and Lily, I was just amazed at what a good job she was doing with you. And it reminded me of what a shit person I was, and I got embarrassed. So I joined— I started fighting Voldemort to try to do something productive and helpful for you. But by the time the war was over, it was clear your mother didn’t need my help nor did she want me hanging around, influencing you to be a fuckup bum like me.”

“But you’re not a fuckup bum,” Harry said.

James sighed and looked at his son seriously. “Why did you want to know?”

“I was just curious,” Harry said, looking down at the table. 

“I didn’t leave you two all alone because I didn’t love you or your mother. I love you both very much. Unbelievably so.”

“You love mum?” Harry asked curiously. 

James looked at him sheepishly. “Don’t tell her I told you that.”

“Does she love you?” Harry asked eagerly. 

James shook his head and got up to get a glass of water. His face neck and face were flushed with embarrassment.

“Well, why not?”

“She’s still angry with me, rightly so, on account of me being an arse.”

“I’m sure she’s gotten over it.”

James shook his head as he served up two plates of dinner. 

“Look. I have been crazy about Lily since I was a kid. Just ask Sirius or Remus, it used to drive them barmy over how many times I talked about her. Especially made them mad because she was such a snitch. But when she finally agreed to go out with me, she didn’t love me, just liked me well enough. I’m not sure if she ever really felt the same way about me that I felt about her.”

Harry looked contemplative. 

“Don’t try stirring up any mischief. She’s just going to get all rampageous.”

“You bloody sound like mum,” Harry teased. 

“Why? Does she often have to warn you about stirring up trouble?”

Harry smirked, but didn’t admit that it had to do with him trying to create plots to get his father to come visit more often when he was a tot. 

“And I don’t want any teasing! I can’t help it,” James said miserably. 

“You’re not the suave ladies man I imagined you might be,” Harry said. 

James ran his hand through his hair sheepishly. “Not quite.”

Harry laughed and shoveled food into your mouth. 

“How about you? Taken after me and fallen for a bird who hates your guts? Or a suave ladies man?”

“I’ve got a girlfriend, so neither, I suppose.”

“Good for you.”

Harry nodded and kept eating. 

 

When Lily got home, she found Harry and James asleep in front of the tube. She looked down at their sleeping faces, Harry on the floor covered in a blanket with a pillow behind his head, and James on the couch, curled on his side with his glasses askew. She woke Harry gently and told him to go up to bed. He obediently, but sleepily got up and crawled into his bed upstairs. 

She looked down at James’ face. 

“James,” she said, shaking him. 

“Lils, what are you doing here?” He asked, reaching out for her. 

“James. This is my house,” she said impatiently. 

“Oh. Right,” he said opening his eyes. He sat up and rubbed his face with his hands. “Sorry. Harry was showing me about the television thing there. Must have fallen asleep.”

“It’s alright. He did too.”

James paused. Then, “he’s a bright kid.”

“I know.”

“You did more than a great job raising him.”

Lily smiled shyly. 

“No thanks to me, obviously. I want to apologize for that.”

“James—“

“No. Don’t give me an excuse that neither of us believes. What I did in the past was not excusable and not okay. There’s no sense trying to make me feel better about it. All I can do is try to be around more for this last summer before he’s done with school.”

Lily sat down next to him on the sofa. “I’m sure he’s glad you’re back so soon.”

James nodded. “But are you?”

“Of course. If it makes Harry happy, then I’m happy.”

“That’s not how I meant it. Are you happy of me being here independent of Harry’s feelings?”

“James… that--it’s not… what’s important.”

“It’s important to me,” he said with a sincerity that came from his voice as much as it did his heart. 

“I suppose I am,” she said, not looking at him. 

James’ heart skipped a beat, and he continued to look at the profile of her face in the dark, but didn’t say anything for a while. 

Lily could feel him looking at her, so she made herself busy staring at the black, empty screen of the tube, reflecting the shapes of some of the furniture of the room and her and James’ bodies. 

“I should warn you that he pestered me about the war again today. And told me not to tell you he asked about it, of course.”

“Naturally.”

“Good thing we’re conspiring against him,” James smirked. 

Lily turned to him and smirked back. It was hard to not love him when he looked at you like that: all fun and teasing, looking like he was up to something, but also like he wanted her to be a part of his plans. 

Lily rested her head on his shoulder as her tinkling laughter died out. 

“I won’t be back for a few days,” James told her. “Dumbledore has me running some errands,” he said cryptically. 

“Ah,” Lily said, her voice catching in her throat.

Now she was going to worry constantly. 

“So I should probably get home and get some rest,” he said with a sigh. 

Lily stood and offered her hand to him to help pull him up. James walked to the door, not quite willing to let go of Lily’s hand, which she had so happily offered. 

“Bye, Lily,” James said as he let go of her hand and moved to open the door. 

All of a sudden, Lily came flying at him and enveloped his back in a tight embrace. James turned around in surprise, and hugged her back. 

“You be careful,” Lily muttered into his chest. 

“I’ll be fine.”

Lily squeezed tighter for a second before she let go, stepped back, and brushed her clothes off. She looked at James almost apologetically, but his face was full of surprise and a hint of a smile. 

 

“There you are,” Sirius drawled as James entered the room. 

“Sorry. I feel asleep there.”

Sirius wagged his eyebrows, to which James rolled his eyes. 

“Did you two finally shag it out?”

James turned on his heel and stormed off to his room. 

“I’ll take that as a no!” Sirius shouted at him. 

“Bugger off!” James yelled back. 

James shut the door to his room and stripped off his shoes and clothes. Sitting in his pants, he sat down at his desk and pulled out a folder from one of the drawers. He flipped through the documents until he found the copy of his will. He checked it over (it was rather short, directing that all his possessions, wealth, etc. etc. be given to Harry and Lily), and placed in on the top of the desk. It was a rather sinister action to complete before bed, but James wanted to make sure just in case something were to happen in the coming days, that there would be no question about his intentions postmortem. 

Sirius knocked and opened the door. 

“James, what time do we have to leave tomorrow?” Sirius asked.

“Sirius, we leave in four hours.”

“Buggering shit.”

“Did you sleep at all?”

“No.”

“You dunce.”

“I’ll take a potion. I’ll be fine.”

“What if it takes a few days?”

“I’ll figure it out then.”

“Idiot.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” James said as he stood up. “You should get some rest. I’m going to sleep.”

Sirius nodded and shut the door. 

James lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling. At the same time, Lily was curled up in her bed, staring out her window, worrying. 

 

 

“I’ve got a few extra shifts this summer,” Harry mentioned the next morning as he tucked in to breakfast. 

“That’s good,” Lily said distractedly. 

She was busy washing dishes, but she was thinking about where James could be or if he was safe. But due to her distraction, she was washing and rewashing the same pan over and over again. 

“And I’ve been thinking about asking Ginny to come stay sometime this summer.”

“Oh?” Lily said, looking up. “Maybe for your birthday?”

Harry shrugged. “Maybe.” 

“It would be nice to meet her.” 

“Okay. Aren’t you going to be late?” Harry asked her. 

“Oh. Right,” she said, her attention snapping back to reality. 

Lily kissed his forehead and rushed to the door. 

When Lily was gone, Harry sighed and put down his fork. He knew that something grave was troubling his mother this morning, but he didn’t know what. 

Lily drove the car to work in the morning. She had to put a charm on the car because she knew she was so distracted, her driving would be the worse for it. 

 

At the café, Lily was at the counter, pouring hot tea into a to go cup for a customer, but she was staring out of the window. She would double take every time she saw a tall, dark-haired man walk past. Unfortunately, her staring led her to not notice when the cup overflowed and burned her hand. 

Lilly yelped in pain. 

“Are you alright, ma’am?” the young man at the counter asked. 

“Just a little hot water, nothing to worry about,” she said drying her hand and the cup off.

The man looked uncertain but accepted the cup and took his change. 

 

At noon, Harry came to join her for his shift. 

“So, I’ve decided I’d like to have Ginny come for my birthday.”

“Did you want your friends from school to come?”

“I was kind of hoping I could bring her out with my muggle friends so she could meet them. I’ve been writing her and helping her prepare to talk to muggles and all that.”

“That seems like a lovely idea.”

“And maybe Dad would want to come?”

“Of course he will want to be there,” Lily said, feeling the crushing weight of his absence like she never had before.

“Mum, are you alright?” 

“What?” she said, noticing that she was clutching at her neck. “I’m alright. I just need some air.”

“I’ve got the till covered,” Harry said, looking at her in concern as she went outside. 

Outside, the air was muggy and thick, providing no relief. The lack of breeze made her worst thoughts stick to her skin like the damp hair on the back of her neck. There was nothing freeing about the weather outside, and she finally, despite her fear of heights, wished that she could fly around to generate some apparent wind. Harry had told her that he loved flying because it freed his mind; she could use some of that magic right now. Her mind was clogged with the loss she had experienced in her life. One of her housemates was killed over Christmas hols sixth year due to some suspicious circumstances. It was right before she got pregnant, actually. Apparently, before word got around that Lily never returned for her 7th year because she was having a baby, some people thought she had been killed too. 

Then, more recently, her parents had passed away. It was a freak accident on a train. There had been about six or seven people killed that day on the train. Lily had to go to the morgue to identify the bodies, and they hadn’t been pretty. Lily just remembers the burn marks on her father’s face, and how her mother’s beautiful hair had been singed off to the scalp. It was gruesome and painful-looking. That day, Harry had to hold her despite him needing comfort as well. Lily wondered how she ever could have raised a child to be that strong. 

Lily fiddled around in her pocket until she found a cigarette. Checking to make sure nobody was around, she used her wand to light it quickly. 

Lily didn’t usually smoke, but often did it when she was incredibly stressed. In this moment, she was more stressed than she ever had been in the past. She worried that Harry was going to use his last year at Hogwarts to start planning about fighting without her being around to see. Dumbledore was there, and he would willingly give information over to Harry if he asked about it, especially since he will be of age when he arrives at school. She supposed she could write a letter to Dumbledore, but she also knew Harry was going to get his information from somewhere, and she’d rather not have him get it from some dumb kid than Dumbledore. That would be safest. It left a pit in her stomach knowing she probably couldn’t prevent this. But she would try. 

And then James also couldn’t be unstuck from the front of her mind. Why did she care so much? She never used to know what he was doing, and she didn’t care too much. Maybe it was that she did know what he was doing, and she knew it was dangerous. Merlin, why did he always have to be doing the dangerous, noble thing all the time? Why couldn’t he just come back to her house and fall asleep on her couch every night so she could know that he was safe? What made Lily stressed about this too was that the prospect of losing even James would destroy her. She had told Harry that he wouldn’t understand the kind of love she had for him, and maybe this was a part of that. 

“Mum?” Harry asked. 

Lily turned to see Harry standing with his body halfway out of the glass door to she shop.

“I’ll be right there, Harry,” she said, dropping the cigarette and crushing it with the toe of her trainer. 

Harry didn’t move, but looked at his mom more peculiarly. 

“There’s something you’re not telling me,” he accused. 

Lily smiled at him. 

“I don’t tell you all kinds of things,” she said, teasing him. 

Harry didn’t let himself get involved in the joke. 

“You should tell me if something is really troubling you.”

“I’m fine, Harry. Don’t worry your pretty little head,” she said as she ruffled his hair. 

He dodged out of the way and led her back into the café. 

It was a horrible lie, but she couldn’t talk about it here in a muggle café. She supposed she would have to talk about his half of her worries at some point, but she just hadn’t figured out how to tell him.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr!


End file.
